It all started out as a cute YouTube opportunity for my cat, Clover, to become internet famous. We had a little pow wow and came up with some ideas on how she could start paying rent since I saved her from a dumpster outside of an Irish bar- hence her name. She also demands expensive organic food that hits hard on the wallet. She thoroughly enjoyed riding around on the iRobot Roomba vacuum cleaner. It became her own personal Six Flags filling her adrenaline rush every afternoon. Sometimes I would walk in the door and catch her taunting the two dogs with her new vehicle that would make them jealous because they were too big to get on it. So onward and upward for about the next 6 months, Clover rode into the sunset on her Roomba.

Well one day, I came home and the cat had obviously pissed the dogs off. That or I had taken too long to come home to give them a bathroom break. Either way. I walked in the door to the grossest and most potent smell I had ever encountered, and let me remind you I have spent time in frat houses. This smell far surpassed the vomit buckets and stale pizza.

I took out my detective kit from my Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen detective days and started the interview process with the perpetrators, or in this case poopertrators. All three animals pointed fingers at each other, like they always do so I had to lay down the law. I dangled down a couple pieces of chicken as a bribe to Ari, the older brother. He didn't bite. So I moved on to Emmy with the under-bite. She had been begging for braces for a solid 2 years so I removed her new Invisalign from my purse and placed it on the table. She appeared ready to spill the details, but looked away with a slight tear falling. I turned my attention over to interrogate Clover but she had busted out of there. I then heard the sound of the Roomba, and since all privileges in this household had been suspended until the case had been dismissed, I went to take her beloved toy away from her. I walked into the living room only to find her riding around on the Roomba spreading dog poop all over the tile floors. As I walked into the smelly crime scene, I put my shirt over my face to block out the aroma as she jumped off the stupid robot vacuum. I picked up the Roomba and checked to see if it was savable (it wasn't) so I tossed it in the trash outside and finished up my investigation.

THE VERDICT: All 3 suspects have been found guilty. Ari has been charged as an accessory in the crime. Emmy has been charged with selling the product inside the home. Clover has been charged with distribution of the product. How do we know which dog did it? Easy. I took them outside and whoever went to the bathroom first was cleared.

*Disclaimer* This is nothing against Roomba, this was a personal attack on me by my pets. But I would also never buy a Roomba again.

Pets Gone Wild