Every holiday my dear, sweet and borderline inappropriate Grandma Joyce sends me a card. Sometimes with "monies" as she calls it, but always with some advice and wisdom from her many years on this planet. This card is from Valentine's Day 2008, my sophomore year of college and I feel with all the unfortunate stories about rape, sex trafficking and kidnapping, this golden advice deserves to be shared.
A little backstory, my Grandma Joyce (my mom's mother) is currently 81 years old and looks like Jane Fonda minus all the plastic surgery. I would share a picture of her because she is quite the eye candy, but I'm pretty sure if I did I would be in a body bag by the time you read this. She has been married and divorced 5 times with two former husbands that share the same name. Not only is she equipped with the tools to catch a husband, she is wildly independent, more fun to be around than anyone I know and she is a fabulous cook. Everyone has a spirit animal and my Grandma Joyce is mine.
Since ol' Grannys' handwriting is a little hard to read for the naked eye, I've taken the liberty of writing out the contents in this card for you, but posted photos below for authenticity.
2/14/08
Abbie,
"Forever, I will love my kick-do-da"!
Happy Valentines Day Abbie. I can't wait till we can all be together again to play pool, darts and laugh all the way back to wherever we are staying. You mean so much to me. I love you and please "be safe" we don't want anything to happen to you. Remember hit them in the eyes or cock and scream and run. Too many things are happening to young ladies like yourself. I could never out run them but I'd leave a trail of pee and they would have pepper eyes and their cock? I'm too old to think about it!
There were a few things running through my head when I found this card again this morning (10 years later). First of all, I don't think I have ever played darts or pool with my grandma. The last time I remember playing darts was on a film set with an A-List actor and I lost terribly after bragging about my mad dart throwing skills. Lets just say this actor is America's vote for Sexiest Man Alive every year, so foot was inserted in mouth immediately. Anyway, I truly enjoy how she made it sound like we are gypsies and never know where we are staying and we just randomly laugh our ways to "wherever" and find a frat house couch or street corner to rest our innocent little heads on. I am still not sure if she is referring to black pepper, crushed red pepper, jalapeno pepper or pepper spray? Be specific, we need answers Grandma! I'll go out on a limb here and say its probably the latter. The only time I have ever used pepper spray was when I was testing out my new key chain pepper spray and jokingly sprayed it at my younger brother only to soon realize with a burning sensation the nozzle was in fact pointing at me. Ironically, that happened about a month prior to receiving this card. If you take anything away from this imperative advice, I sure hope it is to leave a pee trail if you are ever abducted. You are sure to be found until the liquid dries up.
"I'm too old to think about it!" aka: MIC DROP!
